When Reality Hits

Heart of the Matter.

Photo Credits – Pinterest

It killed me.
Knowing that I couldn’t live without you and you were the air entering my lungs in every moment. The sweet nectar in our love we tasted under the oak trees at nightfall before we walked in the same direction, hearts intertwined and the hands interlocked perfectly like the perfect key to a lock, slowly turned into venom, consuming each nerve with a spiralling outrage. I wrote my pain unto chapped sheets which bent peculiarly every time its friction acted against the rustling tip, and I mixed that ink with the ashes of the letters you wrote to me which I burnt. No, my apologies, the heartfelt letters I wrote to you which you sent back because you can’t deal with my darkest demons, because you have your own, while I thought love was all about fighting against your demons together and falling in love with each other’s flaws, fears, insecurities. You stamped over my soul like a mere insect in your ravishing realm of creatures you converse with, make them feel important, and you make them see you as their hope. But unluckily, the only hope, ah, so blind. And then you see another marvellous creature. The list adds on. A lifetime of warmth burned into the coldness of the air as you walked away and every sound intensified but nothing struck my brain as hard as the sound of your shoes rhythmically hitting against the stone pavement and my heart beating along that bleeding rhapsody.

And in the series of irascible moods and uncontrollable rage, irregular eating habits and countless nights of insomnia that followed, I popped up a few pills and drugged me with some delusional reliefs through sleep, because I dreamt only of you and at times, us. As it gave my heart peace knowing that maybe I will once again get to bathe in the comfort and swoon in the brisk energetic fires of our passionate love with you as my soulmate forever and even now I can never think any wrong of you at all because I believe you just wanted your mind and nerves a different air to endure for sometime and you wanted to protect me since you love me. Until I saw that you replaced me like a mere utility. Not that I don’t dream or think of you anymore, just my eyes bleed streams of broken hopes as the agony in my heart consumes my every light, as I dream of how much I want to hate you and all I can do is hate. And there I went down with the stupid theories you made me feed upon but you were the one savoring the delicious feast in it, that you only hate me because you love me. The crazy part? I believed it. Shit.

Been more than months, and I have figured out the reason for my blind belief in that. I was an already broken soul, who believed another such soul would repair me. And now, I realize, nobody has a mended heart. It’s just either someone is more broken or less broken but never completely healed, because it just doesn’t ever happen. I am realizing I am the carpenter of my own mind and I can choose how to react to pain and pick the battles I wanna willingly fight in. Pain is inevitable, as I implore myself, look into the eyes of my deepest demons lurking around the unknown parts of my shadows I was unaware existed, and I deal the way I hoped from someone else. I have decided to fall in love with my insecurities, my parched throat, the drooping of my eyes, my overfilled fridge; my empty voids and torn lips. I’m embracing my scars, and it’s not easy. It’s a simple choice, just not an easy one. But when the sun seems to set and rise according to your mood, it’s always ink black, because you made me drown into the despair of such nothingness that I didn’t even bother to raise my head above the looming anguish of the wrathful waters of worthlessness which you forcefully wrecked my mind into, to see the sun at all. But once you make the choice of that struggle of embracing your scars and walking ahead, you learn to take responsibility for everything in your life; not being at fault for everything, but taking responsibility for it, and you stoopingly fall into such a comfortingly pricking cascade of self-love, no matter how long the fall; because there is always the same destination to it, love. And all of a sudden I’m thinking: ever fallen in love with yourself so much that had all those feelings of love/hate you had for that grim devil under the face of a gentleman just softly melt away?
It hits me.


Okay, so this is the first time I tried to experiment with words in a non-poem way, and I guess it worked out? Let me know in the comments whether you liked this way of writing I tried to experience with and should I post more such works. Also, this is my first post in the New Year 2020 and hence wanted to do something new😊 Other than that, I will indeed try harder to post more consistently and I hope that you guys follow, comment and share!

Suggestions welcome!

Thank you for reading!

@theniharikadiaries

57 thoughts on “When Reality Hits

  1. This piece is wrenching. You conjure the ache vividly, movingly. It reads like a creature both pleading with herself and drawing from her deepest wisdom. It is visceral and beautifully done. In the strongest parts, I can feel you writing straight from the truth in your bones. Stay close to those parts, know you are brave to share them. Cherish them, keep writing all of it. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is such a beautifully heart-wrenching response from you and I seriously wish you could know how much your words mean to me. Your words take me into another life because every fragment of your work gets woven into this another horizon of the universe where I’ve never set foot before by the way you write it. Thank you so much ma’am, this means the world to me❤❤❤

      Like

  2. I simply couldn’t go away your web site before suggesting that I extremely enjoyed the usual info an individual supply in your visitors? Is gonna be back often in order to investigate cross-check new posts

    Liked by 1 person

  3. An attention-grabbing dialogue is worth comment. I think that it is best to write more on this matter, it won’t be a taboo subject however typically persons are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on Creative Writing Course and commented:
    Hi Niharika (a nice name)
    Thanks for the follow and likes.
    if you want to follow me, go to
    https://craigsbooks.wordpress.com/2019/09/18/craigs-list-of-blogs-about-300-of-them-at-wordpress/
    (to find one or two of interest…perhaps)
    and/or https://www.facebook.com/craig.lock.31
    +
    https://www.facebook.com/Uplift-Encourage-and-Inspire-479972392393133/
    # Though my family and close friends say it would be far more entertaining with a video-camera* in the “real world”, rather than in cyberspace!)
    * By the way, do they still make them in today’s ever-faster changing world..or is it all done with mobile phones?
    (get with the times now,”luddite”* c – it should be a smart phone)
    * or so I was often called by my “my techno-geek” friend, Bill (“the gonk”)
    “total non-techno” c (who doesn’t possess a mobile phone, after a rather eventful’ experience some years back, whilst trying to walk, talk and chew gum at the same time) #
    The impossible we do immediately; however miracles take a little longer!
    * (You may think I’m joking, but just ask my friends!)
    Who says men can’t multi-task!
    Men…Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em!
    “You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.”
    – Colette (nice name for a girl, btw)
    http://www.craigsquotes.woespress.com
    All the best with your blog
    Shared by “early bird” (very) * craig
    * my “best” time (by far)
    “Information and Inspiration Distributer, Incorrigible Encourager and People-builder” *
    * not bridges (thank goodness)!
    Well my family and friends say I’m “safest” just writing and sharing
    Still
    Driven to share, uplift, encourage and (perhaps even) inspire
    PPS
    “Live each day as if it’s your last…
    and one day you’ll be right!
    Don’t worry about the world ending today…
    it’s already tomorrow in scenic and tranquil ‘little’ New Zealand

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Very well written as always, I like the prose style better than the poem but too much pain…… , u should try something happy( think of me , words will flow 😉😉) , I’m quite sure u’ll shine 😇,

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Keep writing! I especially liked this passage: “And now, I realize, nobody has a mended heart. It’s just either someone is more broken or less broken but never completely healed, because it just doesn’t ever happen. I am realizing I am the carpenter of my own mind and I can choose how to react to pain and pick the battles I wanna willingly fight in.” In particular I like the phrase “carpenter of my own mind.” I look forward to reading more when you have time to write.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. This was well written, raw, and relatable! I encourage you, as a young writer, to write in this form and every other. Challenging ourselves to write in different styles and forms is how we hone our craft with words. Each is a way to express, none better than the next. But by working in different forms we give depth and life to our expressions. Worry much less about how good anything you write may be received. None of us write a masterpiece every time. But write all you can, and your masterpieces will come on their own!

    Liked by 4 people

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