Drowning

Do you ever just know you are drowning?

Wherever you may be, whatever you may do. You feel like the empty spaces beckon to you and a pile of used metaphors beseech you to not look at anything else again. They seek out to you, stare at you and make you want to seek comfort in your messes. Your bloody knuckles. Your bent ankles. Your dusty fingers whose skin seems to be someone else’s.

And you seek comfort till you have nothing but an illusion of pain and peace. Your battles are supposed to make you stronger but you have no energy to even step into the real battlefield because your whole body feels like a warzone. You change sides and perceptions, ideologies and principles, like jigsaw pieces ready to be arranged and re-arranged while you do not even know the name of this puzzle you find your pieces in. You try everything to be that self you can call to be yours but your body feels like a stranger’s. And you drown. Into this lifelessness, the meaninglessness, the starless galaxies. You drown myself into every movement, every moment.

Does it ever stop?

The air is a soft whisper and a taser at the same time. Your spine electrocutes every time your mind tries to reboot itself. You disconnect from your soul like it is a switch. Pretentiousness. You try your everything to be yourself and be original but day by day feel more of a stranger. Only if this made sense.

Does it ever make sense?

Why do you feel yourself slip away every time you reach out? Why do you not answer when I screech out your name back to consciousness? Where am I? Is my mind spinning cobwebs to trap my own sanity and never let it escape? Am I my own cause of everything? Am I pretentious? Is there an escape? How does one escape?
Teach me how to escape.
Teach me how to break free.
Teach me how to breathe.
Teach me how to feel.
Teach me how to find beauty.
Teach me how to find balance.
Teach me how to find peace.
Teach me how to find myself.
Teach me how to rise again.


Originally published on Medium.

Thank you.

Katerina and Nadia Petrova, because you know what I mean.

Hello mother, (TVD reference intended)

I know you didn’t ask for anything more than a simple and peaceful day in midst of all the haziness revolving around you. The situation which we behold in front of our eyes fashions simplicity into the most rare and beautiful form of happiness. You know that very well of all people. But I have to do this, not in the form of a ‘gesture’ but as a much needed letter to be written to you. And what day better than today?

From series marathons to guessing that song from our ‘lalala’ and ‘tingtingting’ tunes because we never get the lyrics right, from deciding to bake a cake out of the blue to every inside joke, I really love spending time with you. Your company is safe, fun and irreplaceable. Thank you for always being there for me, giving me my space, making sure I am aware of my mistakes and teaching me responsibility. You inspire me to stand on my feet. You are more important to me than words will ever express. I respect you and everything will fall apart without you, and I mean it. I love you.

The past one year has brought us many blessings and unfortunate elements too. But if it weren’t for you, I would never learn to be grateful for those blessings. You have gone through battles which I was too young to realize how tough they were. But slowly, I am understanding you. At least, I am trying.

But what I am sure I have understood and is true is that you mother, are the embodiment of strength. If there was a single word to describe the ability of a person to go through storms and yet keep faith and stay strong, it would be you. You are beautiful in all aspects and the law of time cannot ever age your beauty. It will forever stay in my heart and I promise to cherish it.

You have taught me lessons which have shaped me in what I am today (I am aware this line being said requires me being a very big person LOL but I do mean it) and all your bits of advices have always, always held an important place in my mind. You have never failed to guide us and have nurtured us. You really are one of the smartest people I know.

Hope, gratefulness and faith. Without you, these words would not have had so much value to me as they do today. I am lucky to have you. You have been the biggest blessing I have ever had. Thank you for being a ray of light for all of us. You mean a lot more than you know.

I hope you enjoy your day and have fun! ❤

Yours lovingly,
Niharika


Image Source: here

cowboy like me

Our eyes were devices we could use to switch between worlds we had to call home because it was the only world others could see and worlds where nobody thought we stayed. Deception was the one language we could never fail to be fluent in and although we believed in kindness, we never gave it to ourselves. Happiness proved to be a mirage for though we tried, it was never ours to be owned: only to be stolen; for it was in the very search of peace that we had crumbled. We had swam through perilous waters and it somehow managed to drain every bit of goodness to ourselves from us. We were heartbreakers, yes, but the first heart we ever broke was our own. And though we tried to tell ourselves those beautiful lies of blind hope, we failed. Was life even worth living after going through those raging seas?

But you see, lying was an art we had learnt to perfect through practice. Though we could never lie to ourselves and tell us that we deserved love, we had lied to everything about our life and cursed it with an identity under which nobody could think of us as good. We were never born villains, we chose to become one so that the hopelessness in our souls felt like it belonged in our body. However, our mastery allowed us to distinguish between the images of a person with such ease. We could peer through the opaquest of hearts and manage to find just one hint of fragility. We could hunt for buried sins in eyes veiled with innocence.
Maybe that’s why we could never accept the bitter truth: that though we could never love ourselves we were capable of loving each other.

We wanted ‘us’ to be a lie as much as possible, but it was always there. And no, there was no rapid heartbeat or a innocent streak of red over my cheeks when I was first saw you. But something in the way you looked at me felt like you had entered right into that world where nobody thought I stayed. That world had emotions and you felt like a gentle touch of comfort which was only provided by home. You see, we were the bad guys in everybody else’s eyes but we couldn’t convince ourselves to be so in each other’s. Because all they saw was what we showed them but we had managed to peer right through that. We were from the same flesh and bone, and fought the same battles. We had vowed to never love again, for we did not carry the strength to let our scars breathe.
Suffocation was the coping mechanism we had enforced upon us since now more than a decade. Because though we deceived and cheated and robbed trusting eyes blind, we were weak.

Behind those fishnet hats and bold countenances was damage buried too deep to be felt. But something about you made me question everything I believed. You showed me that maybe I could show myself a mere glimpse of kindness.
Maybe, I did have the potential to truly call happiness my own.

But ultimately, the darkness had to take over the light. It was not your fault, it was just how we had fashioned ourselves. The darkness though in abundance may not be the strongest, and the light though in fractions can prove to be the more powerful. But we chose to embody darkness as the mightier, stronger entity. It was where we felt we belonged. We were bandits, and we loved our lies a little bit more. But you were the home I always wanted to call mine but never could. You were the cause of my fires and the only one who could extinguish them too. You were my only constant I could truly rely on and no, I never deserved you. We were heartbreakers, but in our efforts to go about the way we do, we ended up mending each other. And I feel that rush. The rock-hard handles of rusty gates have melted and every emotion has swung open and is rushing to reunite with the body where it is meant to reside in. It is not frozen anymore and is pulsing in my blood. You showed me the way to love myself and that pain and happiness are emotions which thought distinct in nature, come together.
Maybe, happiness could now finally be felt.


Inspired from the song ‘cowboy like me’ by Taylor Swift

Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to share your thoughts or drop in any suggestions ❤

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Congratulations, You Made It!

Photo by Tim Swaan on Unsplash

Dear Reader,

I just have one question for you, which may sound more of a statement/reminder than a question, but here you goes: Would the puzzle of what to look forward to in the next year have truly mattered if we did not go through what we did this year?

To me, it wouldn’t have. Because until now, almost everything had been the same, fundamentally. But this year, there was a change in everything. Uncertainity has been the only thing certain this year and to know is there any uncertainity to look forward to in the next year is a puzzle indeed.

But while 2020 has marked havoc, distress, pain, it has also symbolized mental unity, strength, and resilience. It has taught most of us many lessons and made us learn something which we had forgotten to do in our hectic routines — pause. This year has forced us to slow down and actually see everything around us. Yes, this year has hurt, a lot. It truly has but here you are, breathing, managing, surviving.

If there is anything I wish to look forward to in the year 2021, it is neither normalcy nor consistency.

It is my opinion, and I do not ask you to agree with me but this year has made me believe that normalcy is overrated. Predictability is overrated. I have learnt to believe our inability to pause and stay mindful has made us too “comfortable” in our routines. Think about it. We had a terrible year! There is no denying that. But if there is one thing we can all try to feel a little good about is the valuable lessons we took away from this year.

I believe 2020 was an effort to provoke everything we hold important and valuable. To shake our minds and make us question the world within which we live and what we imbibe every day from it. And in the midst of a silent wave of insanity, we drew strength. We chose to try to stay grateful and self-reflect, let go; to bring about good changes in things that are in our control. We did everything we could and although things have not gotten better in a literal sense, I believe we can all find one reason — whatever be it, for us to hold our head up high and walk out of this mess we call 2020.

This year was a battle we did not choose, but it is the battles we do not choose which turn out to be the toughest, and in turn, make us stronger in a way we do not even realize. And we have made it ‘til the end, and this has shaped you — whether you realize it or not.

And therefore, I have decided to try and use this opportunity of looking forward to look forward to the uncertainty.

No, I am not asking for this year to repeat itself. But I have chosen to look forward to the possibility of impossibility, nothing and everything, good changes. I have decided to look forward to new beginnings. New challenges, new storms, new situations. I look forward to embracing the uncertainty. To telling stories of how this year was just incredibly peculiar and hopefully have it as just a memory. I look forward (not really) to being confused, puzzled and at bewildering crossroads. I look forward to writing more and hoping for a more convenient change and being as blessed as I have been until now. I look forward to strength, gratefulness and staying mindful.

This year has been bad for all of us and some of us have had it even worse. I will neither have nor give false hopes; we never know what can happen. But if there is one thing we can hope for ourselves in the coming year: becoming stronger individuals. To me, 2020 has been less of a year and more of a situation, where I have spent most of its span in the cliche “figuring out.” And ironically, this has shaped us positively unlike the events of the year. And it has made all of us stronger whether you have realized it or not. I can assure you that.

However, if I have offended anyone with my words, I deeply apologize. I did not intend on doing so. I have just presented my personal opinions, and they do not mean to hurt any of the reader’s sentiments.


Originally publshed in ‘A Cornered Gurl’ in response to the ‘Young Minds of Medium 2021 Hopes and Dreams’ Challenge

Hello everyone! Wish you all a happy and prosperous New Year! As much as we all had our struggles amplified in this year, 2020 was definitely a year to remember. Just look back in retrospect, can you really believe this is the year that went by? To be very honest, I cannot. If someone asked me to imagine myself in a hypothetical 2020 before 2020, I would’ve deemed it to be impossible. I guess it’s not!
Thank you so much for reading guys! Peace and blessings. Xoxo

Feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comment section! You can reach out to me here too.

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@theniharikadiaries

The Undiscovered Evidence

The ship had no name. But was it unnamed? The crew did not speak. But were they voiceless? If someone would’ve seen it in water, it must have been too late to know the mysteries behind the scene, but would it have been too late to save them?

I read all the articles written about the devastating incident that had happened just two days ago. A cruise travelling to Puerto Rico disappeared. But just after an hour when the waters were searched, no remains of the ship had been found. So the cruise didn’t just disappear. It vanished. As if concealed under a cloaking spell. A mysterious enchantment. But all that I let myself wonder was that if the emergency call for help to save themselves was made in that fraction of a minute before they could drown and knew were in danger, why was the investigation made after an hour? After all, the crew captain only had to push four buttons and dial a missed call at the least.

It was when my coffee pot got drained of liquid that I looked up to the black-framed metal clock. It was some three hours past midnight. Having read every article ever written and all available database of the investigations, I knew one thing for sure – it was all false. It had too many loopholes to be true and I wanted to know the real truth, no matter how harsh, at any cost. The truth which comes from investigating the so-called truth and not accepting it under all circumstances. It’s all under the government after all. You never know what has actually happened. We live in a world where even an accident could be a setup, staged just perfectly enough with the accurate props and stage setting. I knew there was only one thing I could do if I wanted to unveil the masks and find the matter behind the curtains. I spent the remaining energy of the coffee I had finished in gearing up for my impromptu voyage tomorrow.

My ship had been travelling for quite a while. My phone still had a connection. I was going through my list of possible theories when all of a sudden my phone lost network. I checked the map. I was just about to reach Puerto Rico. If the truth was in sight, it was very simple. It was just the waters and a shore in sight. But who knew I was to enter what future generations would call “The Bermuda Triangle”?

I sailed the ship towards the shore and saw a vague vision of an abandoned ship and its crew. I couldn’t see the name of the ship. I reached the shore.
They were all still alive.

Five years of professional experience and twenty-six of existential experience had prepared me to deal with shock quite well. I went up to one of the crew members for inquiry. I wanted to get every minuscule detail.
“Could you please help me with the reality of the incident? I am Detective Liza Richards, and I am just here to know what actually happened at the shores of Puerto Rico two days ago.”
“You want the truth?” asked a pearly-eyed man in a husky voice.
“Yes”, I mumbled.
They all roared in laughter. Never in my career had I come across somebody who found the idea of finding the sooth amusing.
“You’re the perfect example for irony. You come to seek the truth and converse with your suspects like they’re humans. Tell me, do you even ask them if they want to be recorded on the camera you’ve hidden in your cloth?”
I was startled, and if I would’ve allowed myself, scared.
“I think it would be better if we showed you the ‘truth’ instead”.
The last thing I remember was his husky voice turning into that of a beast and his teeth turning into fangs. He sprang upon me as he bit my neck. I wailed in pain. Was this a human or an animal? Or neither? My question was answered when I could see my blood trickling down to my wrist from my shoulders like a stream of a broken heart, with my heart rate slowly reducing and a suffocation enveloping me like an innocent prisoner.
He was a monster.
The truth rotted with the private investigator but there was no body found. But Liza’s story didn’t end as a mysterious death on the shores of Puerto Rico,
she became a crew member who never would be counted.
She disappeared, but she didn’t die.
Not really…

Vampire Art | Vampire art, Female vampire, Beautiful dark art


Hey Guys! This is my first try at writing a short story and yes, another vampire fiction. I had written a poem previously based on the same theme i.e. related to vampires, named The Bloodbath of Our Love, do check it out. The ending in this story is that Liza was turned into a vampire by the crew member. Since this is my first time writing a short story, your open and honest feedback would be really appreciated. I would really love to know your thoughts on this one!

Hope you’re all well and safe!
You can contact me here
Thank you so much for reading!
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@theniharikadiaries

broken But beautiful

BBB final i guess

Photo Credits – Collosal

                         As we sip our daily coffee, the warm eclair of bitter bliss dances down our hoarse throats of incomplete sleep and periodical insomnia, our eyes are half sunken into our evanescent thoughts fading in and out, us barely awake. We are still dreaming, perhaps this coffee shall render me conscious and out of this REM of my brain cells. But why, aren’t dreams to be turned to reality? The morning chirper squeaks her little tell-tale through the verandah of my dusty apartment. Does she have something to say, perhaps a debt to be paid? A belief which exists narrates such that everything, every moment, every person you meet, every somebody and nobody has a particular purpose in your life. Seeing rebirth and reincarnation as a ‘business of the unseen dynasties’, our immortal souls all owe some karmic duty to someone and the people we meet are either indebted to us or vice versa due to certain dues in our previous births, and the people with which the ‘transactions’ are then complete, leave us. Just simply out of our lives. That soul in that someone’s body is officially done with us, in all cosmic, karmic, witchy-voodoo aspects. Every human connection can be explained thus and provides our inquisitive minds an insight too provoking to be neglected in the face of the boundless knowledge of the vast universe we are unaware of.

But I yet wonder, if someone is ‘done’ with us, the transaction is completed then why is that emotion not the same for me as it was for you, if that certain century-long debt is ultimately paid? If you left me as you got your end of the bargain, why isn’t the same held for me? Why do I still think about you if our bond has inevitably returned to cosmic dust just like my now shipwrecked soul and I am finally free of some ‘debt’? Ironic how our relation was literally some business game to you and to me a journey where we don’t owe each other feelings, but feel out of our own will, love without reasons. But you left as you met someone more business material and me indebted to this agony you’ve overthrown me with as collateral. This coffee will give sleepless nights nevertheless, the birds will screech disturbingly as they electrocute my flesh and bones with the taser of their unbound ecstasy, my ears ring. I’m stuck in this aura of heightened sounds and fluctuating migraines and nothing can change the fact that my very conscience has broken into invisible shadows and bleeding flashbacks.

But I have hope, like that of an innocent child. Not that I want my life to chime like the bell of that ice-cream truck entering into our hustling streets but maybe I just want the calm breeze to bring my mind some peace too, and not annoyance and a tingling itch to my scarred skin. Some purpose. Some meaning. I’m tired of suffocation. Because I will always be indebted to me for all excursions of my eternal soul, and I owe me life, dance, music, food, art, I owe me joy. I owe me love. And happiness is a choice which I shall choose for myself, by myself, through myself. I wanna fall in love with myself and for that I must accept myself the way I am, however I am. Why should I fall into this never-ending pit of self-hatred? I think I owe me love, I think I owe my scars some air, I don’t want to conceal them anymore, they deserve oxygen. I deserve love and I am capable of it, because I am a stronger being after your every pain you try to destruct me with. And I can stand on my feet with bleeding ankles and smile too. I can have a thousand reasons to cry and yet not cry and stay happy. It is all my choice. I can accept my wounds, however they are, I choose the pain to build my self-esteem, and not tear it down.

I’m broken but beautiful.


Hey Guys! So I posted something in this style again and I can’t help denying that I’m finding writing prose more fun than poems. Of course, I’ve kept my resolution, I’m writing more now that I’m on holiday, my examinations have ended! Also, with the Corona Virus pandemic, I’ve quarantined myself with more activities. Please take care of yourself, wash your hands with soap frequently and maintain social distancing. For my extrovert readers, it’s okay, you can get through this. And please do not take the risk of going out as much as possible. There are a bunch of stuff you can do, thanks to the Internet and its billion provisions, you can read a bunch of books, watch movies you’ve always wanted to. Call up your friends and family, keep your hearts close in spite of these necessary physical distances. Spend this solitude as satisfyingly as possible and try to enjoy this quarantine as much as possible.

So returning to the post, that belief does exist and I have not made it up and is known as ‘Runanubhanda’, according to Vedic Astrology, and is an existing physical as well as emotional bondage with our contemporaries. It can help us understand every encounter that happens in our lives with people, from friends to enemies. It reasons ever suffering we encounter in life with a ready made answer in the unfolding of the past life debts, both positive and negative, from our past.

The latter that follows just has one underlying message – you cannot control what you feel. Believe me. You can only accept them and accordingly take an appropriate decision. You cannot change your feelings, numb or suppress them, you can only affect the way you go about your feelings, how you deal with it. It’s okay if you weren’t okay. It’s okay to feel angry, hurt or sad. It’s okay and you do not have to beat yourself up for it. You’re only human, you learn and you grow. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. You are capable of love and it begins from you yourself. There’s a unique beauty in self-love and it’s never too late to fall in love with yourself. You will always be with you in this journey of life. There’s beauty in your scars, your pain, the hurt and you can heal and you will heal. You deserve more than painful love. Life is moving and the healthiest thing for your heart is to move with it.

Just believe in yourself. You’re worth having hope, no matter what💕


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@theniharikadiaries

When Reality Hits

Heart of the Matter.

Photo Credits – Pinterest

It killed me.
Knowing that I couldn’t live without you and you were the air entering my lungs in every moment. The sweet nectar in our love we tasted under the oak trees at nightfall before we walked in the same direction, hearts intertwined and the hands interlocked perfectly like the perfect key to a lock, slowly turned into venom, consuming each nerve with a spiralling outrage. I wrote my pain unto chapped sheets which bent peculiarly every time its friction acted against the rustling tip, and I mixed that ink with the ashes of the letters you wrote to me which I burnt. No, my apologies, the heartfelt letters I wrote to you which you sent back because you can’t deal with my darkest demons, because you have your own, while I thought love was all about fighting against your demons together and falling in love with each other’s flaws, fears, insecurities. You stamped over my soul like a mere insect in your ravishing realm of creatures you converse with, make them feel important, and you make them see you as their hope. But unluckily, the only hope, ah, so blind. And then you see another marvellous creature. The list adds on. A lifetime of warmth burned into the coldness of the air as you walked away and every sound intensified but nothing struck my brain as hard as the sound of your shoes rhythmically hitting against the stone pavement and my heart beating along that bleeding rhapsody.

And in the series of irascible moods and uncontrollable rage, irregular eating habits and countless nights of insomnia that followed, I popped up a few pills and drugged me with some delusional reliefs through sleep, because I dreamt only of you and at times, us. As it gave my heart peace knowing that maybe I will once again get to bathe in the comfort and swoon in the brisk energetic fires of our passionate love with you as my soulmate forever and even now I can never think any wrong of you at all because I believe you just wanted your mind and nerves a different air to endure for sometime and you wanted to protect me since you love me. Until I saw that you replaced me like a mere utility. Not that I don’t dream or think of you anymore, just my eyes bleed streams of broken hopes as the agony in my heart consumes my every light, as I dream of how much I want to hate you and all I can do is hate. And there I went down with the stupid theories you made me feed upon but you were the one savoring the delicious feast in it, that you only hate me because you love me. The crazy part? I believed it. Shit.

Been more than months, and I have figured out the reason for my blind belief in that. I was an already broken soul, who believed another such soul would repair me. And now, I realize, nobody has a mended heart. It’s just either someone is more broken or less broken but never completely healed, because it just doesn’t ever happen. I am realizing I am the carpenter of my own mind and I can choose how to react to pain and pick the battles I wanna willingly fight in. Pain is inevitable, as I implore myself, look into the eyes of my deepest demons lurking around the unknown parts of my shadows I was unaware existed, and I deal the way I hoped from someone else. I have decided to fall in love with my insecurities, my parched throat, the drooping of my eyes, my overfilled fridge; my empty voids and torn lips. I’m embracing my scars, and it’s not easy. It’s a simple choice, just not an easy one. But when the sun seems to set and rise according to your mood, it’s always ink black, because you made me drown into the despair of such nothingness that I didn’t even bother to raise my head above the looming anguish of the wrathful waters of worthlessness which you forcefully wrecked my mind into, to see the sun at all. But once you make the choice of that struggle of embracing your scars and walking ahead, you learn to take responsibility for everything in your life; not being at fault for everything, but taking responsibility for it, and you stoopingly fall into such a comfortingly pricking cascade of self-love, no matter how long the fall; because there is always the same destination to it, love. And all of a sudden I’m thinking: ever fallen in love with yourself so much that had all those feelings of love/hate you had for that grim devil under the face of a gentleman just softly melt away?
It hits me.


Okay, so this is the first time I tried to experiment with words in a non-poem way, and I guess it worked out? Let me know in the comments whether you liked this way of writing I tried to experience with and should I post more such works. Also, this is my first post in the New Year 2020 and hence wanted to do something new😊 Other than that, I will indeed try harder to post more consistently and I hope that you guys follow, comment and share!

Suggestions welcome!

Thank you for reading!

@theniharikadiaries

Happy Birthday, Papa.

Dear Papa,

No matter how long we talk over the phone none of it compares to the time spent together when you’re here. Birthdays. Some are excited, some are not. Some have gigantic parties, some make wee celebrations with cake at the most. But we’re simple, middle-class Sindhis. Give us sai-bhaji with chawal along with teriyal patata and papad and we’ll call it a night. You are everything, Papa. You’re the one who taught me what life truly means. You never gave up on me and never will. You’re a wonderful father, never ceasing your endless support and encouragement.

You always ask me, “आपको मेरी सबसे ज़्यादा क्या बात अच्छी लगती है?” (What do you like the most about me?) and I present you a vaguer answer every time the question asked. Well, Papa, truth be told, whenever I see you, be it as a son, a husband, a friend, a father, a brother, a son-in-law, an uncle or even a human being, what’s not to like? You are perfect from every perspective. Even your flaws are so gracefully elegant. You’re it, Papa. You’re my inspiration. My heart. My soul. My poetry. My pani-puri.

Thank you for taking care of us and bearing with us and taking time out for everyone.

And I apologise for every mistake I’ve made and sorry in advance if I continue to do so? Because let’s just face it, what do I know about the ‘real world’? But you’re my world and you’re very real. And I know you’ll always guide me, support me, and be by my side and give me space when I need it.

I rummaged through all the exquisite words in the dictionary known to exist but could not find the perfect way to describe you. I mean, how do you a describe a person who so easily takes all your troubles away with just the spark in their eyes? I say it’s magic. There’s something magical about you but I cannot put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just you, from your dyed hair to your bubbly laugh, it’s magical indeed.

You’ve always taken care of me, walked by my side, showed me the light and I vow to do the same for you and Ma. I love you💕. You’re the paper to my pen. Happy birthday to such a surreal and beautiful soul.

Come soon.

Your loving daughters,
Simran and Niharika❤.