cowboy like me

Our eyes were devices we could use to switch between worlds we had to call home because it was the only world others could see and worlds where nobody thought we stayed. Deception was the one language we could never fail to be fluent in and although we believed in kindness, we never gave it to ourselves. Happiness proved to be a mirage for though we tried, it was never ours to be owned: only to be stolen; for it was in the very search of peace that we had crumbled. We had swam through perilous waters and it somehow managed to drain every bit of goodness to ourselves from us. We were heartbreakers, yes, but the first heart we ever broke was our own. And though we tried to tell ourselves those beautiful lies of blind hope, we failed. Was life even worth living after going through those raging seas?

But you see, lying was an art we had learnt to perfect through practice. Though we could never lie to ourselves and tell us that we deserved love, we had lied to everything about our life and cursed it with an identity under which nobody could think of us as good. We were never born villains, we chose to become one so that the hopelessness in our souls felt like it belonged in our body. However, our mastery allowed us to distinguish between the images of a person with such ease. We could peer through the opaquest of hearts and manage to find just one hint of fragility. We could hunt for buried sins in eyes veiled with innocence.
Maybe that’s why we could never accept the bitter truth: that though we could never love ourselves we were capable of loving each other.

We wanted ‘us’ to be a lie as much as possible, but it was always there. And no, there was no rapid heartbeat or a innocent streak of red over my cheeks when I was first saw you. But something in the way you looked at me felt like you had entered right into that world where nobody thought I stayed. That world had emotions and you felt like a gentle touch of comfort which was only provided by home. You see, we were the bad guys in everybody else’s eyes but we couldn’t convince ourselves to be so in each other’s. Because all they saw was what we showed them but we had managed to peer right through that. We were from the same flesh and bone, and fought the same battles. We had vowed to never love again, for we did not carry the strength to let our scars breathe.
Suffocation was the coping mechanism we had enforced upon us since now more than a decade. Because though we deceived and cheated and robbed trusting eyes blind, we were weak.

Behind those fishnet hats and bold countenances was damage buried too deep to be felt. But something about you made me question everything I believed. You showed me that maybe I could show myself a mere glimpse of kindness.
Maybe, I did have the potential to truly call happiness my own.

But ultimately, the darkness had to take over the light. It was not your fault, it was just how we had fashioned ourselves. The darkness though in abundance may not be the strongest, and the light though in fractions can prove to be the more powerful. But we chose to embody darkness as the mightier, stronger entity. It was where we felt we belonged. We were bandits, and we loved our lies a little bit more. But you were the home I always wanted to call mine but never could. You were the cause of my fires and the only one who could extinguish them too. You were my only constant I could truly rely on and no, I never deserved you. We were heartbreakers, but in our efforts to go about the way we do, we ended up mending each other. And I feel that rush. The rock-hard handles of rusty gates have melted and every emotion has swung open and is rushing to reunite with the body where it is meant to reside in. It is not frozen anymore and is pulsing in my blood. You showed me the way to love myself and that pain and happiness are emotions which thought distinct in nature, come together.
Maybe, happiness could now finally be felt.


Inspired from the song ‘cowboy like me’ by Taylor Swift

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When The Heavens Whispered

heaven whispers

Photo Credits – Pinterest

It rained,
The pink of the flowers melted into a mystical mauve of matte,
As the skies spilled their tales into a cascade of condensated love,
The soil gained a unique freshness and sprayed the air with the calmness of a mended soul,
And the edges of the leaves curved concave,
As the nectar of the sapphire sky slept unto the moss green bed,
And they shone emerald green just like your eyes,
Only that I just saw the exquisite beauty of the emerald,
And never saw your true stone-self.

I feel the beguiling beads drop,
From the heavenly realm of jewels on my bruised skin,
It penetrated my heart when those beads quenched my thirst as they fell unto my lips,
The maple syrup of the sky,
Now reminding me of the maple of your mouth on my dry lips,
And the way it tasted,
As it gushed gradually down my throat and my tongue craved more,
Because your caressing hands on my shoulder took the weight of the world off them.
I sighed with satisfaction while this alluring peace my soul absorbed,
Like waffles absorb maple syrup.

But who knew that your nectar would drench me and slowly drip my self-esteem,
But then again, I was blithely unaware,
That your maple was poison in guise of the sweet bliss of your lips,
Breaking the waffle of my heart into shattered crumbles.

I drown myself in the tranquility of this secluded paradise,
I let the skies bleed purple shades of hidden bruises,
They blend into the amber of the threshold of the bijou empire,
It’s not raining anymore.

My lungs came to savour the breath of freedom,
I let the streams of the translucent skies dilute the colors of my tainted galaxy,
I ingested the shattered showers,
Because I was tired of my own tears quenching my thirst.

Maybe the soil will absorb the peace,
And the prying eyes will once again self-hydrate,
But my throat is nauseous of the taste of my lacrimal salts,
I won’t let heartbleed be my life’s sole flavour.

I’ll be a warrior and I’ll embrace my scars,
With heartbreak as my healing balm,
I won’t be a prisoner of your love,
I’ll let the rains take my misery.


Originally posted on Medium via ACorneredGurl, you can check it out here!

‘Ello Guys! Yes, I know, I’ve been posting after a really long time. Like a really, really long time but my final terminal examinations are in progress and have kept me busy. My last paper’s on 27th February and I promise to seriously dedicate myself to this blog since that day, plus my holidays will start from then therefore will have plenty of time to surprise you and keep you tuned! I seriously apologize for the inconsistency.


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When Reality Hits

Heart of the Matter.

Photo Credits – Pinterest

It killed me.
Knowing that I couldn’t live without you and you were the air entering my lungs in every moment. The sweet nectar in our love we tasted under the oak trees at nightfall before we walked in the same direction, hearts intertwined and the hands interlocked perfectly like the perfect key to a lock, slowly turned into venom, consuming each nerve with a spiralling outrage. I wrote my pain unto chapped sheets which bent peculiarly every time its friction acted against the rustling tip, and I mixed that ink with the ashes of the letters you wrote to me which I burnt. No, my apologies, the heartfelt letters I wrote to you which you sent back because you can’t deal with my darkest demons, because you have your own, while I thought love was all about fighting against your demons together and falling in love with each other’s flaws, fears, insecurities. You stamped over my soul like a mere insect in your ravishing realm of creatures you converse with, make them feel important, and you make them see you as their hope. But unluckily, the only hope, ah, so blind. And then you see another marvellous creature. The list adds on. A lifetime of warmth burned into the coldness of the air as you walked away and every sound intensified but nothing struck my brain as hard as the sound of your shoes rhythmically hitting against the stone pavement and my heart beating along that bleeding rhapsody.

And in the series of irascible moods and uncontrollable rage, irregular eating habits and countless nights of insomnia that followed, I popped up a few pills and drugged me with some delusional reliefs through sleep, because I dreamt only of you and at times, us. As it gave my heart peace knowing that maybe I will once again get to bathe in the comfort and swoon in the brisk energetic fires of our passionate love with you as my soulmate forever and even now I can never think any wrong of you at all because I believe you just wanted your mind and nerves a different air to endure for sometime and you wanted to protect me since you love me. Until I saw that you replaced me like a mere utility. Not that I don’t dream or think of you anymore, just my eyes bleed streams of broken hopes as the agony in my heart consumes my every light, as I dream of how much I want to hate you and all I can do is hate. And there I went down with the stupid theories you made me feed upon but you were the one savoring the delicious feast in it, that you only hate me because you love me. The crazy part? I believed it. Shit.

Been more than months, and I have figured out the reason for my blind belief in that. I was an already broken soul, who believed another such soul would repair me. And now, I realize, nobody has a mended heart. It’s just either someone is more broken or less broken but never completely healed, because it just doesn’t ever happen. I am realizing I am the carpenter of my own mind and I can choose how to react to pain and pick the battles I wanna willingly fight in. Pain is inevitable, as I implore myself, look into the eyes of my deepest demons lurking around the unknown parts of my shadows I was unaware existed, and I deal the way I hoped from someone else. I have decided to fall in love with my insecurities, my parched throat, the drooping of my eyes, my overfilled fridge; my empty voids and torn lips. I’m embracing my scars, and it’s not easy. It’s a simple choice, just not an easy one. But when the sun seems to set and rise according to your mood, it’s always ink black, because you made me drown into the despair of such nothingness that I didn’t even bother to raise my head above the looming anguish of the wrathful waters of worthlessness which you forcefully wrecked my mind into, to see the sun at all. But once you make the choice of that struggle of embracing your scars and walking ahead, you learn to take responsibility for everything in your life; not being at fault for everything, but taking responsibility for it, and you stoopingly fall into such a comfortingly pricking cascade of self-love, no matter how long the fall; because there is always the same destination to it, love. And all of a sudden I’m thinking: ever fallen in love with yourself so much that had all those feelings of love/hate you had for that grim devil under the face of a gentleman just softly melt away?
It hits me.


Okay, so this is the first time I tried to experiment with words in a non-poem way, and I guess it worked out? Let me know in the comments whether you liked this way of writing I tried to experience with and should I post more such works. Also, this is my first post in the New Year 2020 and hence wanted to do something new😊 Other than that, I will indeed try harder to post more consistently and I hope that you guys follow, comment and share!

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Thank you for reading!

@theniharikadiaries

Prey

Ruthless rage taking over my bruised body,
No self-control, as you have driven me into this rapt insanity,
Every wee fraction of a second,
When I’m lost in your tormentous thoughts,
Your vile face appears,
And dims the brightness in my welled up eyes,
Glistening due to the salty streams,
Regularly trickling down my cheeks.

And all I can think is..
How?
How did I deceive me into thinking your soul was pure,
Capable of loving me and to be relied on in need,
How did I fall for you unaware of where would I reach?
And now I’m aware what your love truly meant,
I trusted you and had faith in you,
And you betrayed me and left me to pay the price,
Now that I’ve reached a dead end.

My soul’s drooping due to the pain you imparted,
Every acrimonious word you gracefully curse,
From your torn lips burns my body into deeper wrath,
And I’m hurt ah, so deep!

Like a thousand needles piercing the peace of my pumping heart,
Enforcing me to bleed out the unbearable affliction of your so-said ‘affection’,
And my everlasting agony doesn’t seem to cease,
As I hallucinate into wild visions,
Believing my scarred soul deserves to be wounded.

You said that you would hate yourself if you ever made me feel bad,
But you don’t have to do that if even if you mistakenly meant it,
And now I am feeling hurt and I request you to not impose any hatred over yourself in all seriousness,
As I’m all ready to hate you without hesitation.

I was the innocent sheep in your pack of ‘easy’ prey,
But now the wild beast within me,
Has paused its temporary sleep,
And opened my eyes,
And ignited my true fire.
I’m on my way,
To fulfil my demonic desire,
For that’s exactly what you deserve.

And beware me,
Don’t you dare think I’m a easy, delicate person so I’ll be your delicacy,
Because I’m coming for you.

My ever-increasing vengeful conscience,
Wants to hurt you like you had,
I want to fiercely feast on your fiery flesh,
And quench my thirst with the finger-licking blood from your heart,
Which I’ll pull out from your hollow chest and rip apart,
Making you lifeless and alone,
Which is how exactly I felt when you did that to me.

But I’ll take my time.
With my eyes I’ll ensnare your limbs and hands and ludicrous fingers,
Which threatened me to be strangled to death and to rot within my grave,

My control won’t be deadly at first, but enticing.
For I’ll seduce you,
And tempt and allure you into irresistible ecstacy,
And when the time comes,
I’ll tear your body apart.

The sickness of your devoid soul will reside in the saturated blood of your treachery,
And I’ll drain every ounce of it.
And pleasure me with the skin,
Which used to hold me close and caress my shoulders,
Now left hanging from the brittle bones of your meek limbs.
As I get highly drunk on your ravishing red wine,
And my soul satisfies the gruesome greed of your fulfilling blood.

As now,
I’ll be the predator, and you’ll be the prey,
And my splenetic heart shall have its deadly desire,
And suffice with the lucid feast of your succulent bones,
And wrap myself in the comfort of your cries begging for help from your bleeding throat.

As I’ll have my cold revenge,
And bleed you to death.
And finish the deadly vice of your love.
Which you bestow upon your herd of sheep,
Veiled with false truths to conceal your true intentions of wild lust.

So,

Wanna play this archaic game of preying madness?

Babe🖤?


So, I wrote this poem inspired from one of Ed Sheeran’s songs named Don’t‘.

Basically, the main themes in this poem on which I tried to emphasize are Revenge and Betrayal. The poem tries to convey the dreadful desire of revenge which many people at times feel like seeking, due to heartless betrayal of someone’s love and trust. Even though I feel it’s better to forgive than seek revenge, but everyone at times feels like tormenting the ones who tormented them, trying to make them pay for their deeds, to reap what they sowed.

The main reason behind taking revenge is to gain satisfaction that the person who hurt you is hurt too the same way. However, in my perspective, taking revenge just indirectly conveys that you need someone to relate with you and support you, and give you a shoulder to cry on. Plus, revenge can easily lead to guilt, because when we feel vengeful, we do tend to not have a limit of the revenge sought, leading to hurting the person more than they deserve.

Also,

If you torture just the person just like they did to you, what will be the difference between you and that betrayer?

Only forgiveness will make you the better person. Otherwise, the person you take revenge against and you are just equals. And more than forgiving the ones who break your trust, one first must learn to forgive yourselves. It’ll make you feel less burdened and lighter. It’s the only true and appropriate key to peace.

******************

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